


rollercoaster

by skybrushes



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, with a bit of Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-08-20 20:21:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20233804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skybrushes/pseuds/skybrushes
Summary: Ben scoffed, but not unkindly. “Thanks, Cal.” He said softly, before facing forwards, turning the engine on. As he went to shift the car into first gear, Callum placed his warm hand on top of Ben’s.“You’ve always got me, Ben.”-(basically, a few scenes set after the you’re not worth the hassle scene. some fluff, some soft ben & a bit of angst. also it’s quite long)





	rollercoaster

*

“Where are we going?”

“Ah, so he does speak. You’re only asking me this now, 15 minutes into the drive?” Neither of them had spoken to each other since Callum had sat in the car; Callum had turn the radio on in a futile effort to mask the awkwardness.

Callum simply shrugged his shoulders in response. “I need to run an errand – and before you give me that deer in headlights look, it’s not dodgy.” Callum visibly relaxed, tapping his fingers on his knees in tune with the rhythm of the radio. Ben didn’t know what to expect when he received the_ ‘Can we talk?’_ text from Callum an hour ago, but it certainly wasn’t this. He pulled over and turned the engine off, silencing the radio.

“So when you say you want to talk, you do know that involves actually speaking?”

“I just wanted to check you’re alright?”

“And you suddenly care now, after three weeks?” Bitterness evident in his voice.

Crimson coloured Callum’s cheeks. “I- you told me I wasn’t worth the hassle.”

Ben sighed, rolling his eyes. “I know you’re a bit oblivious to this, Cal, but bloody hell. Ya never watched a romcom? It was supposed to be a subtle – subtler than I thought – hint. Hit ya where it hurts, realise that maybe you care.” Ben could see the confusion painted all over Callum’s face. “To summarise, it was my way of flirting with you.” He couldn’t prevent the soft smile from appearing on his face, as he held Callum’s gaze. Callum looked away, letting out a breath, but Ben didn’t miss the slight tugging at the corner of Callum’s lips, a small smile threatening to break through.

“Guess it didn’t work though. I didn’t expect you to stay away but, it was stupid of me to think that. I had given you the perfect out. I shouldn’t be surprised that you don’t care-“

“No.” Callum’s voice was loud and clear, slicing through the uneasy atmosphere. He looked straight at Ben, his eyes firm and unwavering. “That’s not a fair statement, I do care about you.” Ben had never heard Callum being assertive; he was the most on the fence bloke you could get, always wanting to stay in the middle, trying to appease both parties. His answer to Ben and Jay persisting question as to whether Coca-Cola or Pepsi was superior – the answer was clearly Coca-Cola - was a half-hearted shrug. So hearing him confidently state that he cared about Ben, with no hesitation or uncertainty present in his tone, left Ben lost for words, his heart swelling with an emotion he was no longer accustomed to – happiness.

“I didn’t think you’d want to see me. I mean I wouldn’t, not after what Stuart did to you.”

“I don’t blame you for that.”

“But, I do blame myself.” Callum looked down, his fingers tightly wrapped around his right thumb as his left thumb pressed against it, his nail scratching the skin which was now red and raw. Ben wanted to lean over, stop Callum from potentially cutting the circulation off to his thumb.

“Look, you didn’t tell him to beat me up, did ya?” Callum shook his head vigorously whispering: “No, never.”

“Then, stop blaming yourself. You’re not responsible for his actions.” Ben’s words were blunt but Callum stopped wringing his hands, turning his head towards Ben with an appreciative smile.

“Is he the reason,” Callum paused, “the reason you’ve been,” Ben narrowed his eyes slightly, cocking his head to a side. “I’ve heard you’ve not had a good few weeks. Drinking, staying out late, arguments with your dad.”

“Jay been talking about me? No wonder my ears have been burning.”

“No, he’s not said it out of spite. He’s worried about you. So am I. Is it because of Stuart?” Callum asked gingerly. Ben gulped, unsure of whether to unfold his feelings to Callum, if it would make a difference. He had told Lola, and it had done nothing, but then again he wasn’t exactly truthful – it was easy to pinpoint his ‘spiral’ to Paul, it was understandable. It was a hell of a lot easier than trying to explain the web of confusion, resentment and fear he was entangled in.

But with Callum’s eyes wide, his brow furrowed, and his attention solely directed to Ben, it was so hard to not invite him in.

“I s’pose that bald idiot did start it. The beatings I’m used to but it was the night of Pride – a night where I’m supposed to be happy, free, and unapologetically me.” Ben quickly glanced over to Callum, a shade of guilt evident on his face. Ben wanted to reiterate that it wasn’t Callum’s fault but he understood that it wasn’t as simple as that. However, Callum still nodded his head, encouraging Ben to carry on.

“And then, it was Paul. It’s been 3 years. 3 years since he was killed.”

“I’m sorry, Ben.”

Ben simply closed his eyes in response. “Maybe the beating did play a bigger role, it wasn’t fair that it was him, it was me running my mouth – it should have been me.”

“No-“

“Don’t, Callum.” Ben spoke softly, twisting towards Callum. “Don’t. If you stop me, I might not finish.” Callum sighed and pursued his lips.

“I miss him. I miss him so, much.” He tried to stop it but his voice cracked. “He was good, too good for me. He was what was right with this world. I guess you could say the anniversary of his death was the catalyst that tipped me over. But it wasn’t just that, it’s my dad an’ all. You know when I got beaten up last week? Phil just walked straight past me. Like I deserved it. Oh, and I’m still not in his will but Keanu - the guy who knocked up my sister, played her along initially, has messed up countless jobs – yeah that guy, has somehow made his way into Phil’s will.” Ben finally let the air escape his lungs, his body slumping forward. He didn’t intend to prattle on but once he started, he couldn’t stop. Callum had still not spoken, his gaze still intently focused on Ben.

“And, I guess,” Ben hesitated for a few seconds before continuing, “there was something else. I’d spend nights sat in the corner of a random bar, staring at my drink, wanting to know why. That there was more to this than Stuart, than Paul, than my dad. And then, one day on my way home, I saw you. I saw you helping an old lady with her bags, her arm linked with yours, as she nattered away about something, and you had a genuine smile on your face. It’s not like I hadn’t seen you before, I had seen you at the Vic with Whit and yet it never occurred to me.”

A blank expression coated Callum’s face. “I’m sorry.”

“What have I told you about apologising? None of this is your fault. This is something that I never saw coming. It wasn’t you. I was – I am – having a hard time dealing with what I’m feeling. It’s so fresh and new and different. And,” Ben started twisting the ring on his finger, “I’m scared. I-“, he paused. “When I told you to stay away, I thought it would make it easier. But, I guess I was wrong. I wanted to forget about you, but you – Callum Highway – make it impossible to forget you.” The edges of Callum’s mouth curved upwards, the crinkles at the corner of his glossy eyes creasing. Ben’s face mimicked his, but his smile was much tighter, his eyes much glossier.

“Hey,” Callum’s voice was faint as his hand encircled Ben’s arm, his touch gentle but Ben couldn’t ignore the way his stomach started to stir. “You don’t blame yourself for any of this; you’re human, Ben, you’re _allowed_ to feel emotions. I can’t say this was the best way to go about it but you’re allowed to be angry, you should! Paul’s death was not your fault, it doesn’t matter if you were mouthing off, that does not give someone the right to kill.” Callum’s tone increased with every word, his grip tightening. “Paul would want you to move on, to finally live the life he wanted for you. Don’t forget that. And your dad? Well, I remember a wise man telling me once that my father was just a man that got my mum pregnant. It was pretty good advice.” Callum grinned, and Ben just wanted to capture that image forever.

“This guy with the good advice. Is he hot?” Ben smirked.

Callum chuckled. “Maybe.” The smirk on Ben’s face softened. “Don’t let your dad get to you. He seriously doesn’t know what he’s missing out on.” Ben’s chest constricted but the tightness wasn’t uncomfortable.

“And, you can always come to me. I don’t know if I have it in me to be who you want me to be – but, I’ll always be your mate.”

“When did you get good at giving advice?”

“Like you said - we get each other.” Callum let go of Ben’s arm, raising his shoulders with his palms faced up. Ben scoffed, but not unkindly. “Thanks, Cal.” He said softly, before facing forwards, turning the engine on. As he went to shift the car into first gear, Callum placed his warm hand on top of Ben’s.

“You’ve always got me, Ben.”

**

Ben and Lexi sat down opposite Callum in the booth at his mother’s cafe. Callum had called them over when they first walked in, an easy smile accompanying his relaxed stance. There was something different about Callum since their conversation in the car; he was more open, forthcoming - even Jay had remarked that he didn’t realise Ben and Callum had become friends. There was a blurry, unspoken line between them, yet these past two weeks had been so comfortable for Ben that he was content with whatever this was.

“What did I tell you about more salt?” Ben scrunched his nose after swiping one of Callum’s chips; he sprinkled salt before reaching for another.

“Get your own then,” Callum replied teasingly, pushing the plate towards Lexi. “You alright?”

Lexi nodded her head before cautiously shaking it. “Daddy’s stressed because he has important meetings and he doesn’t know what to do with me.”

Ben quickly turned his head towards his daughter, forgetting how aware children were. He was trying to make amends, to be better for Lexi, but he had forgotten that he had arranged meetings that could potentially boost the status of the car lot significantly. They weren’t the type of people who would appreciate an eight-year-old girl sitting there but Ben didn’t want to disturb Lola, especially as this was his way of apologising for his behaviour.

Ben ruffled his daughter’s hair. “It’s nothing to do with you, Lex. You’re never trouble for your old man.”

“If you need someone to look after Lexi, I don’t mind?”

Ben was momentarily taken aback. He arched his eyebrow, “are you sure?” Callum propped his elbows on the table, leaning forward. “Yeah, we could watch a few films at my flat. Is that fine with you, Lexi?”

Lexi clapped her hands, nodding enthusiastically. “Can I, Daddy?” Ben shifted his gaze from Callum, to Lexi, before fixating back on Callum. The man shot Ben a lopsided grin, further contorting the existing turmoil Ben tried to lock away in the back of his mind.

He sighed, and popped another chip in his mouth. “Okay.”

-

It had been an hour since Ben had arrived at Callum’s flat, and it didn’t take much persuasion from Lexi to stay for another movie.

_Do you mind?_ He had asked Callum. _Course_ _not_, Callum had replied. _Whit?_ Ben countered. _Shopping with Bianca and Tiff, she’s staying over._

Lexi was sat between the two of them, a bowl of popcorn nestled in her lap. Ben wasn’t one for popcorn usually, but maybe his new liking had something to do with the fact that Callum would go for the popcorn at the same time as Ben, and maybe it was because of the way Callum’s fingers skimmed Ben’s - the touch lingering a moment longer than it should.

It was near the end of the movie when he heard sniffling.

“Callum, you’re crying!” Lexi exclaimed, focusing on Callum, who was wiping tears away from his eyes.

“Aw, Cal. Did Mama Coco make you cry?” There was no hint of malice behind Ben’s words.

“Daddy, you can’t talk, you’re crying too!”

“This,” Ben gestured to his face, “is all hay fever.”

Callum chortled in response. “Be confident in your emotions, Ben.”

“You’re one to talk,” Ben bit back, a sense of regret clouded over him as soon as the words left his mouth; none of their conversations had alluded to what had happened, both of them apprehensive of the other’s reaction.

But, Callum was full of surprises as he simply just shook his head; his smile had still not dropped, only deepening and intensifying, as he threw popcorn at Ben.

-

“Thanks for today, for looking after Lex,” Ben walked behind Callum, the bowl of popcorn in his hands. “For letting me stay.” Callum turned to face Ben, taking the dish out of his hands to place in the sink.

“You don’t need to say thanks. Anyways, Lexi was no bother, an angel. She definitely gets that from Lola.”

Ben scoffed. “You should see that angel at home.” Callum grinned before turning back to the dishes. “Going out tonight?” Ben asked.

“Nah, might continue this movie marathon instead.”

“I could join ya,” Ben’s words skipped a beat. He bit his lower lip, before exhaling. “I could drop Lexi off, and come back. I mean, let’s face it, you’re gonna need a shoulder to cry on.” The corner of his mouth tugged upwards, feigning confidence. Callum tossed a towel at Ben’s chest, no force in his action.

“If I remember correctly, you were crying as well. Don’t pretend with me, Mitchell.”

Ben twisted the towel between his fingers. “Never.” He held the towel out to Callum. “So what do you say?”

Silence surrounded them - the ticking of the clock and the tapping of Lexi’s fingers on Ben’s phone were the only indication that time had not stopped. A minute passed; Callum stepped forward, holding onto the other end of the towel, bringing not only it closer to him - but Ben too.

“I’d like that.”

***

“Don’t you worry, Bill, I’m leaving.” A voice sang into the darkness of the night. Ben recognised it, but the tone was different – a tad higher, a lot emptier.

“Callum?”

“Bennn,” the older man faced him, a haphazard grin slapped on his face, “and Ben’s boyfriend!” He pointed at the man who had his arm around Ben’s shoulders, who shot Ben a perplexed look.

“A friend of yours?”

“I guess you could say that,” Ben retorted. “Callum, are you okay?”

“I am fine, my _friend_,” Callum slurred, attempting to stand straight, before buckling backwards. Ben quickly rushed over, one arm around his waist, the other steadying his chest.

“Look, I better get him home,” Ben stated, his head spun towards his date. The man sighed. “I’ll text you later?” Ben nodded his head in response, a narrow smile painted on his face. He could see the man leaning in for a kiss, and he quickly turned his head to the side, the man’s lips grazing his cheek; the action instilling nothing in him. As the man walked away, Callum shouted: “Bye, Ben’s boyfriend!”

“Be quiet, I don’t want the whole square knowing my business,” Ben remarked, despite the fact that no one was around. Lifting Callum’s arm, he wrapped it around his shoulder, his hand firm on Callum’s wrist.

“He seems nice, not your type.”

“And how would you know my type?” Ben started moving, steering Callum along with him.

“It’s just not him.”

“He seems more my type than a guy stuck in the closet.” His words harsher than he expected. Callum’s breathing hitched, his words swallowed by embarrassment. They walked in silence for a few minutes, Callum swaying slightly, the tension suffocating them from talking. As they neared closer to Ben’s intended destination, Callum halted.

“Where you taking me?”

“To your flat?” Ben stated, squinting his eyes, slowly moving his head.

“No.” Callum dug his heels into the ground, tugging Ben back with him. Ben stared at Callum, confused as to why he didn’t want to go home. Then it suddenly all clicked. “Can’t have your fiancée seeing the other side to you, now can we?” Callum shook his head slowly. “Well, I’m privileged that I get to witness it.” Ben quipped, and although the sarcasm was clear, his words rung true. Heaving a sigh, Ben directed Callum away from his flat, to a place more secluded.

Removing his arm from around Callum’s body, Ben fumbled around in his pockets till he found the key. Turning the key into the lock, Ben propped the door of the Arches open, stretching his arm out for Callum to enter. His demeanour was more stable, as he managed to walk in with only a little stumble in his stride. Ben closed the door behind them, making his way over to where he kept his supplies, reaching for two water bottles. He turned back round; Callum was perched on the side of the desk.

“You do know there’s a chair there for a reason?” Ben passed one of the bottles to Callum, who raised his shoulders in response, before opening the bottle and taking a long swig of the cold beverage.

“Not that I don’t enjoy your company, but are you gonna tell me why you decided to get so drunk that Billy wanted you out?” Ben sat down on the chair.

Callum took another sip of water before closing the bottle and placing it to the side. Swinging his legs around so he was opposite Ben, he sighed. “I saw my dad.”

“Oh.” Being around Phil Mitchell would probably elicit a similar reaction from Ben, being around Jonno Highway definitely would.

“Yeah, _oh_.” Callum bluntly replied, emphasising his words.

“Did - did you want to see him?” Ben asked tentatively. Jonno was a nasty piece of work, but Ben couldn’t exactly judge Callum for wanting to see him - the hold their fathers had over them was undeniable.

“No.” A somber expression coloured his usually light eyes. “He saw me, cornered me after work. Asking me where his invite was to the wedding. He didn’t like being reminded that he was still uninvited. Then, it was just his typical insults – I’m nothing, I’m nobody, I’m weak. And,“ Callum stopped, his face dropped further. Seeing Callum struggle, in pain, inflicted agony in Ben himself, the familiar feeling he had too tormented himself in.

“And then,” Callum continued, “he started talking about the company I keep, criticising it. Insulting it, some of the words...”

“So you’re telling me he didn’t describe me as a ridiculously attractive man with a twelve out of ten personality?”

Callum laughed faintly, shearing the tension lightly. “I know I shouldn’t let it get to me, I tried for it to not. Clearly didn’t work if I ended up in E20.” Callum started to rub his head, his fingers squeezing the skin.

“You’re gonna have a killer hangover, but don’t worry, you’ve come to the right person.” Ben grinned, before straightening his posture. “Fathers, ey? They seem to be our kryptonite. I doubt they’ll outlive us but when we die, I’d want them to lower us into our grave, so we can be let down one last time.” His remark evoked another chuckle from Callum - this one louder and fuller, causing a ripple of euphoria to rush through Ben’s body; the thought that Ben made Callum happy, when he was so down, increased the severity of his own smile.

“He’s wrong, I hope you know that. You’re one of the strongest people I know, not because you’ve been in the army but your compassion, your empathy, your kindness - that’s what makes you so strong.” Ben’s voice was low but persistence laced it. Callum’s eyes softened, a hint of the lightness Ben was so fond of re-emerging. He shuffled forward, bringing his arms in front of him. And Ben hoped that it wasn’t the alcohol that was responsible for Callum’s next action, as he placed his hands under Ben’s – his hands warm despite the bitter cold. They were soft but still had a rough edge, and so when his thumbs stroked Ben’s hands, the warmth that had pooled at the bottom of Ben’s stomach erupted all the way up into his chest.

“When I was younger, I used to hang around with a group of lads on the estate,” Callum began, his eyes drawn down, as he started to rub delicate, soothing circles into the back of Ben’s hands. “There was one I was really close to – Danny. We had similar personalities, similar family situation. So, yeah, we did use to play with the other boys but whenever we could, we’d try an’ be by ourselves. We found this little bit of land, with a big tree, that no one really came to, and decided it was our spot. We hung out there quite a bit, and one afternoon, I was just teasing him about this girl that had a crush on him. And he was laughing it off, poking me in my side, telling me to shut up. When I finally did, he moved closer, and took my hand into his, and we just sat there, smiling. I think back then I just brushed it off as us being close friends, even when he leaned in and kissed me on the cheek.”

“You’re telling me I wasn’t the first bloke to kiss you on the cheek?” Ben said playfully.

“I s’pose not,” Callum said softly. “I just knew it felt different – a good different. That was the last time I spoke to him. He had a diary, he tried to get me to start one. I guess he must have written it down in there, not naming me. The next day he wasn’t there with the lads and they were asking me if I knew if he was gay, and if it was me that he liked. And I was confused, because I didn’t know what it was or how they knew. But I think it was enough for them to drop it. Then I saw him a few days later, his face black and blue as he was moving boxes into a car. He didn’t see me, but his family were moving away, so he could ‘get better’ is what they said.” Callum paused, allowing Ben to process what he had just revealed. It wasn’t a surprise that Callum might have had attraction for other guys, feelings, but it was more so that he had let Ben in, allowed him to see behind his tightly constructed walls. Ben squeezed Callum’s hands, wanting to show him that he understood.

“When my dad found out, he just looked at me, dead in the eye and said: good riddance, we don’t want people like him around here, and it was the one time Stuart agreed with him. It was like no one could see past him being not straight. He was defined and out-casted.” Tears threatened to escape his eyes as he met Ben’s gaze, and Ben knew. He already knew that Callum’s brother and father were very much not accepting, but he saw just how deep-rooted Callum’s fear was. They stayed like this for a few moments, neither of them looking away, firmly fixated on each other.

“Thanks for telling me this,” Ben said honestly, after a few minutes.

“Thanks for listening to me, ramble on,” Callum replied. And then, it was like something snapped inside of him as he released Ben’s hands and jumped off the desk, wiping away a tear. “I better get back. Say sorry to your boyfriend for me, I didn’t mean to interrupt your date.”

“He’s not my boyfriend, you know.”

“W-what? Jay said you’d been going on a few dates with this guy,” Callum stated, bewildered.

“Jay tends to over-exaggerate and you like to jump to conclusions,” Ben raised his eyebrow; he saw the puzzled look on Callum’s face quickly grow. “A few weeks ago, I was at the Prince Albert and I gave that guy my number. I only decided to reply to his message yesterday.”

“But Jay-“

“The few dates he’s referring to is when I’ve been with you. When we’ve gone out for a drink or that time we watched TV at yours.”

“Oh,” Callum said. His body seemed to ease up as he shot Ben a sheepish grin.

“You weren’t jealous, were ya?” Ben leaned back in his chair, a smug smile joining his bemusement. Callum’s face tensed up for a few moments, before relaxing again. “I can’t be, can I?” Callum stated frankly.

Ben was taken aback, the sarcastic comment disappearing from his lips. He thought Callum would either deny it, or accept it, and that would be it – but his words, they were honest and true; Callum couldn’t be, he shouldn’t be, jealous. The only response that Ben could give him, a response that he had frequently been giving him, more than he would give anyone else, was a smile – a smile that was also honest and true.

Callum cleared his throat. “Thanks again for this,” he said quickly, before turning around to leave.

“You were right, you know,” Ben said, preventing Callum from opening the door, “he ain’t my type.” Callum rotated to face Ben again, his mouth slightly open. He stayed there, and Ben could practically hear the cogs turning in his head.

Before he could say anything else, Callum advanced towards him, his strides long and fast. Grasping onto the lapels of Ben’s leather jacket, Callum tugged Ben up towards him, his lips swiftly meeting Ben’s. It was slightly harsh at first, before they both melted into it. And then, it was soft and wet and fiery and sweet and intense and tender all mixed into one. And, it seemingly lasted a lifetime but when they pulled away, both breathing shakily, it felt momentary as well. Callum rested his forehead on Ben’s, his hands on Ben’s shoulder as Ben’s rested on the nape of Callum’s neck, his fingers trailing up and down the skin.

“Maybe, I should get you jealous more often,” Ben murmured. Callum merely shook his head, letting out a low chuckle, before leaning in again.

****

It was the opening chords of the birds that awoke him from his slumber, shortly followed by the hues of soft orange and pink flushing swirling together infusing the sky. It was early - much, much earlier than he would have wanted - and the bed sheets were slightly scratchy, the pillows falling flat; and yet, he was content. With Callum laying on Ben’s chest, his breaths shallow and constant, and Ben twirling Callum’s now messy hair in between his fingers, Ben wanted to stay awake, savour this moment.

After that night at the Arches, Ben didn’t expect much - he thought Callum would brush it off as a drunken mistake. So, it was a surprise when Callum followed him into the Vic toilets the next day, and was kissing him frantically - and yeah, it was a _very_ well-received surprise. Ben knew it was different this time. It had been just a bit over 3 weeks and they were very lucky. Whit was away a few nights at Bianca’s, or taking extra late shifts at the Vic, or staying out past dark, celebrating with various different friends - wedding preps, bridal showers, even an early ‘classy’ hen do. He had mentioned the wedding once or twice to Callum, but it was swept over and Ben didn’t pursue it.

In their time spent together, they quickly realised that they had very different taste in films. After arguing over what to watch for over an hour, they abandoned the film after 10 minutes, deciding to use their time for more _favourable_ activities. On the other hand, their music taste was surprisingly very alike. There would be times where they’d just sit in the car, or the flat, listening to their favourite playlist, a sense of serenity washing over them.

When Ben had found out that Callum could cook, he had challenged the undertaker to a MasterChef style cook-off. Ben knew he liked to win, but Callum was _merciless_, not falling prey to any of Ben’s tactics. Ben wasn’t as successful, succumbing to Callum on his first try. He leaned in to Callum’s touch as the man snaked his arms around Ben’s waist, propping his chin on the younger man’s shoulders. It quickly progressed from there as they moved from the kitchen to the sofa, Ben not giving a second thought to his food. The shrill of the fire alarm interrupted them as Callum quickly rushed over, fretting over the burnt food in the oven and continuously waving the towel below the alarm, before joining Ben on the floor, laughing at the absurdity of the situation.

Despite the uncertainty and dubiety of their relationship, it was hard to stay away. So, when Callum had proposed that they spend a night away together, under the guise that he was reconciling with an old army friend, Ben should have said no - but the word yes easily slipped out, like silk running through fingers.

As the sun seeped through, its focus was solely on Callum, highlighting his peaceful expression. And, as Ben studied Callum’s face, travelling from his hair to his forehead, where the usual taut lines that rested there had unravelled, to the side of his face, his fingers grazing the light stubble, that small voice in the back of his head, telling him to be careful, had been long silenced.

His phone beeped and he stretched out to open the message, causing Callum to stir in his sleep. It was Lola, letting him know that her, Lexi and Billy were setting off back to Walford. Ben typed a quick message back and placed his phone back, exhaling. Callum’s eyes fluttered open and turned towards Ben.

“Morning,” Callum said sleepily, the remnants of his dark circles gone, and a lazy grin lighting up his face.

“Nice view to wake up to, right?”

“The best.” Callum craned his neck towards Ben, brushing his lips gently to Ben’s cheek. It was simplistic, but it was what Ben craved – that fleeting feeling kindling within him. “Who’s texting you this early in the morning?”

“Just my boyfriend, remember him? You met him a few weeks ago,” Ben replied teasingly. Callum rolled his eyes, playfully pushing his shoulder into Ben’s side.

“I bet you don’t even remember his name.”

“I don’t need to remember their name as long as they’re moaning mine when-“

“Ben!” Callum shouted, his cheeks flushing red.

“Yeah, a bit like that,” Ben said bluntly, wiggling his eyebrows.

“You’re impossible.” Callum stated, but his tone was light.

Ben’s chest started to shake with laughter, before pecking Callum’s lips. “It was Lo, they’ve set off, it won’t take them long to get back. Unfortunately, that means we gotta leave this budget paradise soon.” Callum bobbed his head and swung his body out of the bed. “Better go use the loo because who knows how long you’ll be in there.”

“Excuse me, it takes time to achieve perfection.”

“I thought it was all natural,” sang Callum. His reaction was fast, as he ducked into the bathroom, the pillow Ben threw hitting the door. Ben stretched out his limbs in the bed, shaking his head. It was refreshing to see Callum so carefree, his confidence only shining when it was just the two of them.

Being with Callum was like being on a rollercoaster. The prospect of the ride was thrilling – a journey that was new and fresh. There were a few highs that would start to get your stomach twisting, and a few lows that were slightly disappointing. But, that one high, the pinnacle of the ride, the one that had your heart pounding rapidly against your ribcage as you accelerated to the top. That high would undoubtedly be the best you’ve ever felt – the adrenaline coursing through your veins. When you’re finally at the top, your insides have completely flipped, your body turbulent, and still – you’re excited, you’re exhilarated, you’re elevated. Ben was currently riding this high, the euphoria not yet faltering. But, the ride has to end, and the low after that high? It’s inevitable, it’s fast-approaching, it only takes a second. And, with this rollercoaster, there’s not only a pounding headache at the ending – there’s heartbreak too.

*****

The excited buzz died down as the melody of a generic love song filled the air, everyone twisting in their seats, to see the bride. They all quietly cooed as she walked down, and there was no question about it - she looked stunning. Whilst everyone’s focus was on her, his was on Callum’s. It was so weird seeing him in a suit that wasn’t black, in grey, but it suited him; Callum was definitely good-looking but he looked so handsome up there and a twang of jealousy hit Ben as he realised that it was all for Whitney.

As she was gliding down the aisle - incredibly slow, Ben thought - Callum’s eyes caught Ben’s. Ben’s lips twitched upwards, and Callum returned the small smile. They stayed like this, in their own bubble, unaware; Callum gulped and he opened his mouth, letting out a deep exhale. It was Ben who broke their gaze first, Whitney was nearing the altar. Standing next to each other, he could understand why people thought they were the perfect couple; their faces lifted and excited. No one even thought to see deeper than the superficial happiness - because they would certainly be able to see the sadness in Callum’s eyes.

-

Ben reminisced about last night as the ceremony commenced. The stag do wasn’t majorly exciting but there was free booze, free food, and party hats - so who could complain? Callum had been closed off, barely responsive, the reality of it all finally sinking in. So, when he had gone to the loo, Ben decided to swiftly leave, swiping a free bottle as he wandered into the night. Twenty minutes later, the older man had joined him in the park, cradling a bottle of beer in his hands.

“Fancy meeting you here,” he joked hesitantly.

“Round two?” Ben quipped back. A low chuckle left their lips, a vacant sound. Callum sat down on the bench, near Ben, staring at his drink. “Why’d you leave early?”

“Forgive me for not wanting to celebrate your stag do. I’m sure you’ll understand why I’m not in the mood.”

Callum’s posture stiffened, his knuckles whitening as they clung onto the bottle. “I’m sorry.”

“You seem to say that a lot, Cal. Perhaps it could be your catchphrase.” He paused, allowing the silence envelop them, but it was far from the tranquility he had grown used to when in Callum’s company. Shifting his body to face him, he brushed his fingers against Callum’s arms. “It doesn’t have to be like this-“

“I’m marrying Whitney. Tomorrow.” Callum interrupted.

“I know.” He said pointedly.

“I can’t do this,” Callum waved his hands, “it should have never happened. It’s not fair and I’m getting married.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I do. I love her. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Everyone loves her, I love her. It makes sense. And I’m sorry I dragged you into this, but I can’t do this anymore. I proposed to her, I’m going to be with her.”

“You don’t have to go through with this. It’s better that you stop it now, before it becomes official. It’ll be so much harder once you’re married.” Ben spoke in a quieter tone.

“I am going to go through with it, because it is what I want. Everyone knows that we’re good together - Stuart, the Carters, even my dad likes her. It’s meant to happen.”

“Stop trying to please everyone else and think about yourself.”

“I am.” Callum flinched away from Ben’s touch. “I’m marrying Whitney, tomorrow.” His words were forceful, loud, hurtful.

The mixture of emotions that had been brewing inside Ben detonated as anger dominated him, rising within him, igniting every nerve. “_You’re_ the one who came sniffing round, you’re the one who wanted to talk, you’re the one who wanted to spend a night away - together. This, could have ended a long time ago but it was you who wanted it. You can’t have your cake and eat it too - you’re not the only one with feelings, Highway. Whitney wasn’t on your mind when you were kissing me, cuddling me, pouring your heart out to me; you didn’t consider her then. Everyone harps on about you being perfect and nice and _oh Callum wouldn’t even hurt a fly._ But we both know that’s not true because you, Callum Highway, are selfish.” Ben seethed, plummeting his raised fist onto the table. Pushing himself off the bench, he stormed towards the lamppost, kicking the bottom of it. Once, twice, three times.

“I know.” Callum said. There was no emotion behind his words - it was like he was stating that the sky was blue, or that everything Mo sells are cheap knock offs. Like it was a fact - no doubt about it. Ben turned to face Callum, his back against the cool lamppost, tilting his head up. He wanted Callum to argue, to fight back, to justify his anger, to let his words be true. What he didn’t want was this; his harsh words resonating with Callum. Letting the air that had been tightly confined in his lungs loose, he walked and sat back down on the bench.

“I didn’t mean any of that.”

“But it is true, Ben. I am selfish. I didn’t even consider Whitney, I cheated on her, lied to her. And then there’s you, you’ve been through so much and I still-“

“Hey, I’m old enough to know what I’m doing,” Ben interrupted Callum, “none of what I said was true. I was just angry.”

“Don’t they say that the truth comes out when you’re angry?” Callum raised his eyebrows.

“Maybe. Okay, I mean there was some truth to what I was saying - you did wanted to talk to me first - but I don’t know, I think sooner or later, this would have definitely happened.” Ben explained. “But, when someone’s angry, they want to hurt the person their anger is aimed at, be cruel. And that’s what I wanted to do. I’m sorry.” He lowered his voice. “You’re not selfish, Callum, and I know you don’t want to intentionally hurt anyone.”

“This is all so messed up,” Callum whispered, his face drawn and taut. “I guess my dad was right. I am useless, selfish, not grateful for what I have.” Raising the bottle to his lips, he took one long, final sip; he stood up, reaching for Ben’s bottle and walked over to the bin, disposing of both the bottles. Ben waited, anticipating what Callum would say next, but the man simply sat down, lowering his head into his palms, clutching onto the strands of hair that had become loose.

Ben bit the inside of his cheeks, regretting his outburst as he witnessed how it affected Callum. It was like he just needed one person, and it obviously had to be Ben, to confirm the self loathing thoughts he had. It didn’t matter that Ben hadn’t meant it, the damage had been done. Ben could have left it at that - a bitter end; he couldn’t see Callum leaving Whitney, choosing him, and reverting back to ‘just friends’ would be messy and difficult. But, he couldn’t. He couldn’t let Callum believe those words, he couldn’t let the end be coiled with malice.

“Thought we promised to stop letting our dads get to us, ey?” Ben inched closer to Callum, narrowing the empty space. Lightly, he bumped his shoulder against Callum’s. The undertaker looked up, his eyes clouded with darkness, but still they locked with Ben’s, and Ben could hear his breathing - erratic.

“Look, I know what I was getting myself into. I’ve been there, I’ve done that. It hurts me to say that we’re both in the wrong because it feels like the opposite, but please Callum, you can’t just put this all on yourself.” He stopped, searching Callum’s face for any indication that he was listening, understanding. The man was still wearing a solemn expression but there was a hint of lightness colouring his eyes - they were wider, more mellow.

“You’re not selfish, in fact, I think you’re one of the most selfless people I’ve ever met.” Ben continued. Callum’s lips parted, but Ben lifted his hand. “Just, let me finish. Don’t get me wrong, you don’t have much competition. Half the square should still be locked up, myself included, but you’re one of the good ones left in that small pool of people.”

“Always willing to take up extra work for Jay even if it means leaving later or missing out on a night out - that’s selfless. Still helping Mick out in the Vic even though you don’t work or live there anymore - that’s selfless. Helping me when you don’t need to, looking after Lexi in your free time - that’s selfless. Getting married, to please your brother, your father, so you don’t hurt Whit, is stupid but still - selfless. Sometimes, I wish you were selfish, Cal. But I guess you being stupidly selfless is one of the reasons why I like you.” Ben finished. There was not a sign of emotion on Callum’s face for a brief moment.

“You better not have just said all of that to try and get into my pants.” The creases besides his eyes grew, flashing a toothy grin. Ben could only gawp at Callum, rendered speechless again. Then, he couldn’t prevent the burst of laughter from escaping his lips, the sound hearty and full. Seeing Callum reflect his gleeful expression, and remain confident enough in Ben’s company, it may have been impossible but Ben swore his own heart tripled in size.

A gentle touch on his thigh calmed Ben down. “Thank you.” Callum said, the sincerity evident in his tone and in his eyes. Suddenly, the warmth from Callum’s hand flamed up, the heat rushing through Ben’s body. Maybe it was because he had finally become aware of it, maybe because it was unexpected or maybe it was because Ben missed him so much.

Ben quickly got up and averted his gaze from Callum, scratching the back of his head. “Urm, I’ll see ya later.”

“You are coming tomorrow, right?” Callum asked. No, he wasn’t going to. He was planning on making an excuse to avoid going - a headache, a hangover, would not surprise Lola. “Please, come. We’re still mates?” Callum pleaded, his eyes wide.

Ben sighed, dropping his arms; he should say no, he shouldn’t put himself through this. “Sure. Still mates.” His voice breaks slightly. “I’m gonna head off home, you should too. You’re gonna need that beauty sleep, don’t want me to upstage ya.” Ben winked, but it was a forceful gesture, a mask. As he started to walk off, he felt Callum’s hand firmly encircle his wrist.

“Ben,” Callum said, and when Ben didn’t reply, he pulled on Ben’s wrist, turning the man towards him. “I know I say it a lot, but I am sorry.” He stepped forwards, no distance between them. His eyes lingered down towards Ben’s mouth as he bit his lower lip, and Ben knew what he wanted to happen next.

He could easily give in - not get off this ride, experience the highs and the lows again. It may hurt, it would be just as epic as the first time, but it would still have to end. Ben could handle it - he hoped; pain was a familiar friend. But Callum couldn’t.

Unwrapping Callum’s hand from around his wrist, he placed his hands on Callum’s shoulders, pushing down on them and thus lowering Callum to sit down on the bench. His hands softly cupped the sides of Callum’s face, an echo to their first night, and Ben tried to ignore how natural and _right_ it felt. Callum furrowed his eyebrows, as his eyes darted across Ben’s face. It started off gentle - as light as a feather - Ben’s lips favouring the small indent in Callum’s forehead. As Callum held onto Ben’s hands, it deepened, and Ben closed his eyes tightly, a measure to stop the tears from leaving. His grip had also become tense, as he tried to pour all his emotions into this one forehead kiss - a farewell. He wish they could stay like this, free from anything, everything, just the two of them under the night sky.

Ben pulled back, his hands still curved on Callum’s face. An air of melancholy surrounded them as tears brimmed their eyes. Callum’s mouth opened a few times, the words getting caught in his throat. So, maintaining his tight grip, Ben etched on a sorrowful smile.

“You know - you’re worth it, Cal. You’re worth the hassle.” His voice barely above a whisper, but his words were clear. Before Callum could reply, Ben removed his hands, swiftly wiping away a tear that had fallen with the back of his thumb, and shoved his hands in his pockets. As he abruptly walked away, he ignored Callum shouting his name, and instead let the words disappear into the night, wandering aimlessly - far from the park.

-

“You may kiss the bride!” The room burst with heavy applause and whistling, particularly from Mick, as Callum took Whitney into his arms. Ben shifted in his seat uncomfortably, but he couldn’t bring himself to look away. It hit him; the turbulent waves crashing into him as it finally dawned on him - Callum Highway was a married man. Alongside that realisation and the positive reaction - the happiness everyone exhibited for the newly wed couple, a surge of sadness washed over Ben for what could have been.

Callum’s pace was brisk, walking towards the door, his hand tightly clutching onto Whitney’s as she pulled on him to slow him down, basking in the exhilaration and waving at everyone. The narrow smile dropped and his hand stopped waving when Callum locked eyes with Ben, and Ben didn’t even try to stop the wetness damping his cheeks.

“Are you crying?” Lola whispered, draping her arm over Lexi’s chair, nudging Ben.

Ben glanced towards her but before he could say anything, Lexi had turned to her mother.

“No, Mummy. Daddy has hayfever.” She said, smiling widely at her father. Ben chuckled lightly to himself, nodding his head, and placing a hand on her hair, before twisting his head back towards the couple. It was too late. They had left. Callum had gone. The door was closed.

*

**Author's Note:**

> so i started writing this around before phil got attacked and then picked it up again recently because i missed ballum a lot. so it doesn’t really fit with the story anymore but oh well. hope you enjoyed it!!!! 
> 
> (also i feel like i wrote ben a bit too soft but i just wanted some soft scenes and i feel like it works well with the story??)
> 
> x


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